Monday, April 26, 2010

What? I Walked Into A Door, Okay?

I'm fine. No, really. It doesn't hurt at all.

What? Don't be silly. I already told you, I walked into a door. My team would never hurt me. They love me just as much as I love them.

Now you're just being a jerk. I told you I broke my arm when I tripped over that soccer ball in the parking lot. It was my own fault for being clumsy. Besides, that was back in November, and it healed up just fine.

I wish you wouldn't talk about the Red Wings like that. They did not give me these two black eyes. It was the DOOR.

What? The bloody lip? That, yeah. That- that was the dog. I scared him when he was sitting on my lap while I watched the game and he jumped up and hit me in the mouth with his head. It was an accident. The Red Wings had nothing to do with it. I already told you, they would never hurt me.

Oh, stop harping on yesterday. You weren't there. You don't know how I got these cuts and bruises. They happened just like I told you. You know what your problem is? You're jealous. You've never liked the Wings because you can't stand that they chose me to be their fan instead of you. You got stuck with those stupid Coyotes and you're bitter, so you're trying to make trouble between me and the Wings.

Well, it won't work. I love them, and they love me. Sure, sometimes we disagree and sometimes someone might accidentally get hurt, but they don't mean it. They just have a lot of stress to deal with sometimes. But most of the time they're the best hockey team a girl could ever want. I mean, look at all the sweet, thoughtful, loving things they've done for me. Haven't they brought me 11 Stanley Cups? Haven't they reached the playoffs for me 19 times in a row? Haven't they brought home countless Norris and Lady Byng and Selke trophies? Haven't they created a dynasty for me that is one of the most enduring and celebrated in all of hockey? Doesn't that prove how much they love me? I certainly think it does.

So we had a little argument on Sunday, so what? It was probably my fault. I pushed them too hard. I asked too much. I knew Phoenix would be a challenge, but I had to go and mouth off about how they just had to finish off the series at home and how I didn't want to have to deal with a game 7 back in the desert. I was being selfish. I was only thinking of what I wanted, not about their needs. I deserved whatever I got. They had every right to teach me a lesson.

I mean, you know, if that's what had happened. But it didn't. The Red Wings would never deliberately hurt me. I told you; I walked into a door.

1 comment:

  1. This is brilliant. It's one of those ideas that never occurred to me, but when I see it, I instantly wish I'd thought of it.

    Our team better do right by us tomorrow. I'd hate to think I might have another dog-related accident.